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Intimacies
Mar. 2nd, 2025 08:24 pmThis post is going to be full of stuff that some folks would deem TMI, so be forewarned. I'm ALSO going to try to keep it vague enough that I can keep this post public.
I often like to chew on thoughts of identity, and spending time with friends often gives me more opportunity to do so. There's the general who are we, who do we show up as with others (vs with different others), who do those people perceive us to be, does their perception have any baring on our true self? if intent isn't magic, impact matters more, then the weight is not on who we say we are, but on our actions, and how those actions are interpreted by others. But also sometimes something much more specific will come up, and it's like OH, huh.
Such a thing happened this weekend when I was hanging out with a group of friends that as a whole we've known each other a bit over a decade now. Who I am, and what I do, has changed a great deal within that time. I had JUST come out of a toxic situation at the start of this, and for a bit I dated another member of the group. We were poly (I mean, we both, individually, still are) and both rather into PDA, and we occasionally hooked up with others, both together and separately, and we're both very sex-positive, had no shame dictating we hide these things. We remained friends after, even cohabitating for a few years, before they moved out of state for better work prospects. I was young(er), and very open to trying new experiences in the hope of finding what worked best for me after the end of a much, much more restrictive relationship (not just in terms of romantic entanglements, but the whole expression of who I was). There was very much this.. freedom to it. And as it should've been, to be honest. I said that I've never made a bad decision that I regretted, and that honestly not only was all of it great learning opportunities, but many provided really fun stories to add to my "lore".
But a friend referred to me as "thirsty". Like currently. I was really taken by surprise by it and said I disagreed. She said "but you're so sexual and it's been so long for you" - and she's not wrong. The scenarios that I found myself in 10yrs ago are definitely not my current reality - but nor is it anything that I'm looking for. Hence my disagreement.
I think she sees how much I've been mourning my last relationship, which was about a year and a half ago, and thinks "they'd be so much better if they had a diversion". And she may even be right. I DO miss not just that specific person, but also that specific 'genre' of connection. But she is focused on the sex - and I get that, because when it suits, I AM still a highly sexual creature - but who I am now, ideally wants BOTH kinds of intimacy.
Listen; I love my friends dearly, and if they need a hand or anything with something that I can help with, I'm down. But I don't want to conflate things, because that isn't what I'm craving-- I miss having a PARTNER with whom sex just a continuation of the act of communion with, where, for lack of less woo terms, we are connecting heart, soul, mind, and body. Like... I cannot seem to find grandiose words enough - the human cosmic mycelial-like connection.
I think I'm at a point in my life where I'm pivoting. I don't know that most folks EVER have a single someone with whom they get to feel that - and if so, then I've been far, far too blessed to complain about not having it more often, or any longer. I'm not saying that I'm not open to the possibility, but it's time to move on from an active desire, because that desire is causing pain and suffering. In the sense of taṇhā and tṛ́ṣṇā then, yes, I guess that I AM "thirsty", heh, but I think I'm transitioning into a period of... pruning all of that so that I can better control my growth.
I often like to chew on thoughts of identity, and spending time with friends often gives me more opportunity to do so. There's the general who are we, who do we show up as with others (vs with different others), who do those people perceive us to be, does their perception have any baring on our true self? if intent isn't magic, impact matters more, then the weight is not on who we say we are, but on our actions, and how those actions are interpreted by others. But also sometimes something much more specific will come up, and it's like OH, huh.
Such a thing happened this weekend when I was hanging out with a group of friends that as a whole we've known each other a bit over a decade now. Who I am, and what I do, has changed a great deal within that time. I had JUST come out of a toxic situation at the start of this, and for a bit I dated another member of the group. We were poly (I mean, we both, individually, still are) and both rather into PDA, and we occasionally hooked up with others, both together and separately, and we're both very sex-positive, had no shame dictating we hide these things. We remained friends after, even cohabitating for a few years, before they moved out of state for better work prospects. I was young(er), and very open to trying new experiences in the hope of finding what worked best for me after the end of a much, much more restrictive relationship (not just in terms of romantic entanglements, but the whole expression of who I was). There was very much this.. freedom to it. And as it should've been, to be honest. I said that I've never made a bad decision that I regretted, and that honestly not only was all of it great learning opportunities, but many provided really fun stories to add to my "lore".
But a friend referred to me as "thirsty". Like currently. I was really taken by surprise by it and said I disagreed. She said "but you're so sexual and it's been so long for you" - and she's not wrong. The scenarios that I found myself in 10yrs ago are definitely not my current reality - but nor is it anything that I'm looking for. Hence my disagreement.
I think she sees how much I've been mourning my last relationship, which was about a year and a half ago, and thinks "they'd be so much better if they had a diversion". And she may even be right. I DO miss not just that specific person, but also that specific 'genre' of connection. But she is focused on the sex - and I get that, because when it suits, I AM still a highly sexual creature - but who I am now, ideally wants BOTH kinds of intimacy.
Listen; I love my friends dearly, and if they need a hand or anything with something that I can help with, I'm down. But I don't want to conflate things, because that isn't what I'm craving-- I miss having a PARTNER with whom sex just a continuation of the act of communion with, where, for lack of less woo terms, we are connecting heart, soul, mind, and body. Like... I cannot seem to find grandiose words enough - the human cosmic mycelial-like connection.
I think I'm at a point in my life where I'm pivoting. I don't know that most folks EVER have a single someone with whom they get to feel that - and if so, then I've been far, far too blessed to complain about not having it more often, or any longer. I'm not saying that I'm not open to the possibility, but it's time to move on from an active desire, because that desire is causing pain and suffering. In the sense of taṇhā and tṛ́ṣṇā then, yes, I guess that I AM "thirsty", heh, but I think I'm transitioning into a period of... pruning all of that so that I can better control my growth.
